12
Mar
19

Democratic Party Discovers State Of Wisconsin

Ama Dots / Appliances poster from the 1980s.

Ama Dots / Appliances (early 1980s Milwaukee)

The Democratic Party’s consultant corps, fresh from two years of reflection on having somehow lost the 2016 White House to a mobbed-up bismark pastry, are back with new ideas.

These begin with a discovery: it turns out that north of Illinois, there lies a state named Wisconsin, whose gentle, rolling hills and placid dairy farms recall the rural landscape of Poland or Germany. Like its old-world counterparts, Wisconsin, too, is haunted by a dark history of disaster.

Overlooked by the data-hypnotized 2016 Democratic campaign, despite being a battleground over the hugely important vote of working people, Wisconsin infamously went unvisited by the Democratic candidate in 2016. Thus jilted, the state went to Trump.

Early reports (as well as intermediate and late reports) have tweeted that this — and indeed all of 2016’s staggering electoral failure in its various forms — was due to nothing but Russian interference.

Unfortunately for this explanation’s adherents, reviews of the state’s air traffic logs suggest something different. It turns out there weren’t any flights of MiG-31 fighter aircraft patrolling the skies over Sheboygan, Eau Claire or Appleton, and as such no Russians worked to prevent the candidate’s plane from making a single visit.

Instead, that travel decision to skip the Badger State was brought to you by the consultants of the Democratic party, nearly all of whom, I hate/am compelled to mention, still haven’t been fired.

So what assurance do we have that this fiasco will not repeat itself this time?

Given a second chance,  a sudden paroxysm of rudimentary map usage and flight booking is underway; the brain trust is working hard to make up for last election’s blunder with today’s announcement that the 2020 Democratic National Convention will be held in Milwaukee.

Because it is categorically impossible to select a convention location in a state without awareness about the existence and location of the state, all candidates are virtually guaranteed to visit the state his time.  Which means we can celebrate something like progress, even as Twitter’s finest keep scanning the skies for that wily Putin and his backwards alphabet.


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