What’s that sound? It’s Mark E. Claus, trapped in your chimney, complaining bitterly about the soot. The least you can do is get him a pint.
Archive for December, 2010
EXT. LONDON STREET, NIGHT December 2010. Student protests over tuition fees have gripped London. A black Bentley limousine snakes through the city's streets. As it proceeds, a gradually greater number of student protesters lines the sidewalk. CUT TO: INT. LIMOUSINE LEFT BACK SEAT, NIGHT Seated in the limo is PRINCE CHARLES. He is bathed in the light of a small television upon which GRAHAM NORTON interviews BETTE MIDLER. CHARLES holds a cocktail in one hand and an iPhone in the other. He speaks into the iPhone: CHARLES (irritatedly) Look here, Wigglesbottom, we've been through this before. As I've told you, the email thingy is different from the Facebook thingy. (Pause. Rolls eyes.) Because it doesn't have a face. Email isn't blue. CUT TO: CU CHAUFFER We see a look of rising concern cross the CHAUFFEUR'S face as he drives. He sees protesters beginning to swarm the street and block his path. CHAUFFEUR (quietly) Your highness? CUT TO: INT. LIMOUSINE LEFT BACK SEAT, NIGHT CHARLES is oblivious. CHARLES (into phone, preoccupied by the television) Oh dear. Wiggly, this won't do. You'll need to pay closer attention, I'm afraid. CHAUFFEUR (O.S., louder) Your highness? CUT TO: EXT. LONDON STREET, NIGHT As the Bentley approaches, a crowd closes in, carrying sticks and torches. An angry roar arises. PROTESTER #1 Toffs! PROTESTER #2 Get 'em! Off with their heads! A PROTESTER raises a hand holding a stone as if to throw. A wave of anger sweeps through the crowd. CUT TO: INT. LIMOUSINE LEF BACK SEAT, NIGHT CHARLES (into phone, exasperated) No, that's how it's supposed to work. You're not supposed to see the password. CHAUFFEUR (O.S., rising panic as he slows to a stop) Yourrr maaajesty! CHARLES (finally looking up) What in -- my god! CHARLES looks out the window and notices the mob for the first time. CHARLES (to CHAUFFER) Don't stop, man! The CAUFFEUR gestures helplessly. A mighty BANG! is heard as the rock strikes the limo. CHARLES turns to his right to face his companion, CAMILLA PARKER-BOWLES. CHARLES It's too late! Camilla! INT. LIMOUSINE RIGHT BACK SEAT, NIGHT CAMILLA, a pale horse seated in the limousine bucks and whinnies desperately. CAMILLA Whiiiiinggh! Whiiiiinnngh! Her thrashing sends CHARLES's cocktail flying. CHARLES (fumbling for her reins) Gah! Steady, girl! Steady. Whoa. The struggle in the back is dire, but CHARLES grasps her reins. The struggle pauses. He pats her mane. CHARLES Now, now. CHARLES reaches into a compartment, produces a carrot and offers it to CAMILLA. The whites of her eyes flash crazily. CHARLES There. There, yes. Do you want to go home? Do you? CUT TO: INT. Floor of limousine CAMILLA's hoof clops onto the floor once. CAMILLA Pththtttht! CUT TO: EXT. LONDON STREET, NIGHT Another projectile is thrown by the crowd as it closes in to the limousine. CUT TO: INT. LIMOUSINE BACK SEAT, NIGHT A BANG! followed by another BANG! At the noise, CAMILLA resumes bucking and whinnying. The carrot goes flying. CAMILLA Whiiiiighh! Niiighghhhh! CHARLES Damn! Camilla! Agh! The despertaely spooked horse spills onto her side, pinning the Prince onto the limousine seat.. CUT TO: EXT. LIMOUSINE WINDOW, NIGHT With a SMASH! of glass, a hoof pokes out of the limousine window. NEW ANGLE: The advancing mob stops in their tracks at the sight of the horse's hoof. They lower their sticks and stones. A beat passes. PROTESTER #1 What a magnificent creature. PROTESTER #2 Yes. Let no harm come to it. CUT TO: INT. LIMOUSINE BACK SEAT, NIGHT CHARLES (pinned under the horse) Quite right. A capital idea. CAMILLA Wiiiiiiinnngghhgghhh! CHARLES (wincingly) Driver...it's bes-uhng..best we be going. NEW ANGLE: The crowd parts and the limousine proceeds away from us. CHARLES (V.O.) Do you think you might move off of me, darling? CAMILLA Thhhthpph. SFX: Horse hoof upon the floor: Clop! Clop! THE END
(With thanks to Gerard Boissy.)