There Really Ought To Be An Idol Building Code

When I first read that Touchdown Jesus had been struck by lightning and had burned to the ground, my thoughts went to the collective psychiatric health of the people of South Bend, Indiana. Surely, the loss of such a cornerstone icon of Notre Dame football would have ruined the month for a few nearby.

Then the calculations began; I need to stay on top of these things as the upcoming Independence Day celebration means this is the time of year I break policy and travel from Chicago to neighboring Indiana to obtain fireworks. The last thing I need on that trip is to show my set of Illinois license plates while traveling among an agitated population of armed, confederate-flag waving boneheads whose only moral restraint went up in the flames with their local idol.

As it turns out, I needn’t have worried. For this is the midwestern United States, and we wouldn’t dream of putting all our Touchdown Jesii in a single basket, no sir. Today is the day that I learned that “Touchdown Jesus” means different things to different people – that over in Ohio, they had their own six-story tall Touchdown Jesus (a statue, not a mural as in Indiana) just outside Cincinnati for years.

Note the “had” – half-assed idol construction and inclement weather combined last night to restore a measure of natural beauty to the landscape by a cleansing $700,000 fire.

While it is comforting to know that the charitable causes to feed the hungry and clothe the naked in the state of Ohio had no need for the 700 grand that went into the construction of a six-story tall exercise in Touchdown Jesus one-upsmanship, as the hat is passed yet again for its replacement, I urge these and all future idolators to not cheap out.  Make sure to use stone or gold next time.  To do otherwise leaves your idol subject to lighting bolts thrown by God, whose patience for tacky crap is apparently on par with my own.

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rob [at] warmowski [dot] com

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1984-89: Defoliants
1991-94: Buzzmuscle
2001-05: San Andreas Fault
2008- : Sirs
2008- : Allende
June 2010
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